The only thing I'm certain of- completely,unequivocallyy, unquestionably sure of- is that I am in love with you. This is not up for debate. This is fact, not statement. This is fantasy turned reality.

The rest of it?

I can't say the same.

Every day I worry about where I'll end up, how behind I am, what I need to do, how I need to do it, what I want to do, if I'm doing the right thing, i there's something wrong with me, if everything's going to fall apart, if I'm going to graduate, is this want I want, am I doing the right thing, making a big mistake, fucking up, no turning back, can't even breath, anxiety hits, panic, hopelessness, i give up, no,  i can do this, i will do this, anything i want-it's mine, but why do i keep procrastinating, delaying, giving up, failing, trying, nothing's working, what do i want, i'm so worried and scared and overwhelmed, and what will the future be like?

The truth is, uncertainty, unpreparedness, and failure to form structure and plan terrifies me. If i don't know what's going to happen -without doubt- my imagination gets the best of me, and the worst case scenarios play over and over in my head.

And sometimes I honestly feel I don't care what happens to me, don't care if I take the easy way out and put as little effort in to my life as possible; this terrifies me the most.

Fortunately, I recognize this is just errant thinking. When all the cards are laid out, I have to admit that what bothers me the most is that there is so much i want to do with my life. So much I want to see. So much I want to be. And, paradoxically- so much I will never be, do, or see. This means I have to choose my course right. I have to choose the right path, and do what feels best.

But I'm so indecisive, I can't make a concrete decision.

So far, I've deduced that I will go to Selkirk, at least for a year. Social Work. I want to do this. It leads to Youth Worker, to Rehabillitation Counsellor, to a million things I want to be.
But my passion, and interest, lies more in psychology, and to get a degree in that would probably interest me more
Although if I could somehow, miraculously, specialize in abnormal psychology, my attention would be focused; BUT

I can't do much with a BA in Psych, can I?
It's limited, I can promise you that.

Then, there's the living being inside me that requires writing as oxygen, and words as sustenance.
How could I ignore this part of my soul? Can I even do that?

Just to complicate, confuse, and further stress me out. I want to be a vet. Always have.Probably always will.
But that would require a complete reorganization of everything I have worked toward and planned for.
I took Grade 11 Earth Science, for godsake.
It would require so much backtracking to be able to do that..


And the matter of where to live?
Plainly stated I do.not.want.to.live.in.Castlegar.after graduation.
Change, anxiety, money, school, new job, new place, new faces, won't know anyone, socially awkward, shy.
Staying is easier.
Staying is safe.
At least, for now.

I lay this out for my own eyes to take in.
For my own mind to mull over.
If I were to be melodramatic though, I would say that these worries are better than suicidal tendencies.

All in all,
life has improved exponentially.

And yes, I am doing okay.

 

went to the clinic in surrey cuz I've been getting worse.
Doctor took a pregnancy test and when it came up negative told me to go see my family doctor when I got home.
Thanks so much.

I do not think it has ever been okay for anyone to touch my wrist.
I have certainly never been comfortable with anyone pressing their thumb into my wrist.
Frankly, I had no reason to think it would ever be otherwise.

But...
I felt safe.

It's hard to explain how I feel about this.

Feel even worse.
Still getting progressively nauseous
Dizzy everytime I'm standing
Can barely eat
Have almost blacked out a couple times
On the coast so I can't go see my doctor again
I feel horrible
I feel like crying
And I feel frustrated every single time there's something I can't do because I'm sick.
I want this all to go away and I want to be close to Jarrett and Arielle and my Mom... Aly and my dad have both yelled at me for saying I can't do something or for being grumpy because I'm sick.
On top of all this I've had a pounding headache for a week or so now...

Leave for my Dad's on the bus tonight :) but I will very much miss Jarrett :(
Went to the doctor last week. I've been feeling nauseous since September and then dizzy and then recently I started blacking out. Jarrett was there one of the times. We were in the shower and I told him I felt really sick and dizzy. He thought I was being overdramatic. My ears started to ring and it got loud and sound was really distorted and I barely heard Jarrett tell me to come to him so he could hug me. I took a step towards him and all I could see was his stomach and it went all swirly and then I opened my eyes and I was on the floor of the tub in Jarrett's arms. Apparently I had gone sheet white and fallen backwards and he had tried to catch me but i slumped down. It scared him a lot and then I almost did again later that day.
Dr. Smart says she thinks that I have had a bacteria eating away my stomach lining since september and it got worse and worse and then I was taking a lot of anti-imflammitories for my rib cartilage which also ate away my stomach lining and so I started blacking out. She sent me to the hospital to get tests and had me get some cimetidine and told me to call her in a week. Honestly, I'm more nauseous than I was before the pills. I want to feel better....

I raged.
I fucking screamed and threw shit.
I don't know who I am.
I don't know what I've done.
I don't know what's going to happen.

I might hole up for a bit...